Ever wonder what happens in an IFS session? Let me share a small sample of that. Ever notice how that critical voice in your head has absolutely perfect timing? Just as you’re about to share something genuine in a group, or reach out to someone new, there it is – whispering all the reasons you should stay quiet and invisible. It’s like it has a degree in social vulnerability detection!!

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we recognise this voice isn’t just you being negative or lacking confidence. It’s actually a protective part of you that developed for good reasons, even if its methods now keep you stuck on the sidelines of your own life, watching everyone else seem to connect so effortlessly.

Meeting Your Critic (Without Wanting to Run Away!)

The magic happens when you start treating this critical voice not as an annoying flatmate you wish would move out, but as a part of you that needs love and understanding. Here’s a dialogue technique I use with clients that doesn’t involve meditation or closing your eyes (though that’s grand if it works for you):

First, notice when the critic appears. Maybe it’s saying things like “They’ll think you’re weird if you speak up” or “Who do you think you are to belong here?” or my personal favorite, “Everyone else got the belonging manual except you.”

Instead of arguing with it or believing it without question (both tempting options), try getting curious:

“I hear you’re concerned about me speaking up. I’m wondering what you’re afraid might happen if I do?”

You might be surprised by what emerges. Often, these critical parts are actually trying to protect you from rejection or hurt that happened long ago. They’re like bouncers at the club of your life who never got the memo that you’re actually on the VIP list.

What Happens When You Actually Listen

One client discovered her inner critic was actually the voice of a frightened 12-year-old who had been publicly humiliated after sharing something personal at school. This part was desperately trying to prevent that pain from happening again—by keeping her quiet and invisible in all social situations. It’s a pretty good strategy for keeping unprocessed pain at bay!

When she approached this part with compassion rather than frustration, something shifted. The critic didn’t disappear (they rarely do, their job is to keep you safe), but it began to trust that adult her could handle social situations without catastrophe.

A Quick Dialogue Practice (No Incense Required)

Next time your critic shows up, try this brief dialogue:

1. Acknowledge the critic: “I notice you’re trying to keep me safe right now. Thanks a mill!”
2. Get curious: “What are you afraid would happen if you weren’t on guard?”
3. Listen without judgment (this part might have been doing this job for decades!) Sometimes these parts just need to be seen, heard and validated!
4. Offer reassurance: “I appreciate you trying to protect me. I’m an adult now, and I can handle this differently.”

This isn’t about getting rid of your critic—it’s about transforming your relationship with it. When these parts feel heard, they often relax their grip, allowing your authentic self to step forward and connect from a place of genuine presence rather than fear.

The path from sideline observer to active participant in your own life begins with these internal conversations. Showing up authentically in the world starts with showing up for all parts of yourself first—even the ones that make you want to roll your eyes!

Ready to transform your relationship with your inner critic and step into your authentic self? Book your free 15-minute consultation call to see if we’re a good fit.